Void Thoughts

Last week, I revisited my older YouTube poetry videos, and I’ll be honest – it wasn’t a pleasant experience. I felt that they needed improvement, a lot of improvement. I started thinking, “Why did I bother to record this low-grade voice-over and dare to upload it?” My thoughts spiraled downward – I am not good enough; there is not even an ounce of brilliance in my work; I shouldn’t bother creating; I should give up the whole shindig of writing and creative endeavors. Oh yes, the inner critic was in overdrive, taking me to the darkest corners of self-doubt.

But…

Having battled this emotional sabotage by the devilish inner critic many times before, I knew I had to put a stop to those destructive thoughts before they swallowed me whole. I took a deep breath, which helped in situations like these. Deep breath is my lifeline, preventing the chaos of stress from overwhelming me completely. 

Staying focused on my breath helped silence those negative thoughts. I kept on with the deep breathing. Once the negative thoughts stopped swirling around me, I was able to look at the positive aspects of my poetry videos. 

Granted, it wasn’t an awe-inspiring narration, but I couldn’t ignore the time, effort, and patience it took on my part to get it done. Most importantly, the courage it took to put the videos out there – that’s something I should never underestimate. Every journey has a starting point, a first step. That first step is both the weakest and the strongest link. Improvement comes with practice and perseverance, and without a beginning, there is no chance for growth. 

So, as much as I hated my poor narration, I commend myself for showing up and taking that plunge, fully aware that it might not be a masterpiece.

Then, it can’t be labeled as a failure, can it?

Showing up matters, especially that very first time, when you knew nothing about anything. That my friend, is commendable.

I experience a similar feeling when I revisit my old blog posts. I ventured into active blogging in 2014, when I knew nothing about blogging. I dabbled in stories, poems, articles, and personal essays without a clue of what I was doing. Blogging was a puzzle to me back then, and I only started to unravel the mystery through my writing journey. My writing had its flaws, grammatical and structural. I wrote because I loved it, going with the flow, blissfully ignorant of the quality of my work. Some posts were abysmally written, others surprisingly decent. At the time, I couldn’t differentiate between the two. I never paused to ponder the quality of my writing. It was through interactions with fellow bloggers that I began learning the ropes, gradually improving my skills and growing more confident as a writer.

Today, when I read one of those posts from the past, I cringe. I realize how poorly they were written. But I appreciate my past self for taking the time and effort to write those posts and publishing them despite my lack of knowledge and confidence about writing. It was an act of sheer courage. But as my understanding of writing grew, I naturally reduced my output. I became conscious of my mistakes, and that awareness sometimes deterred me from writing. It was a breeding ground for self-doubt, a battle I’m familiar with.

However, when I reread those cringeworthy posts from the past, I find solace. Because making those mistakes unknowingly served as stepping stones toward becoming a better writer. I still have a long journey ahead of me, with ample room for improvement. But the key is to keep writing. Trying and failing is far more valuable than not trying and never tasting failure. I see these mistakes as privileges, the very mistakes that pave the path to a brighter tomorrow.

Learning from mistakes is a direct result of making them. Learning is an indispensable part of personal growth.

The courage to try and fail is a trait we all need.

I aspire to be courageous enough to embrace more mistakes, so I can take pride in each and every tomorrow that comes my way.

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Joining Esha and Shilpa for #SoulfulSunday this week.